Inner Turmoil
by IceAngel's Hikari
Summary: Athrun is drowning in depression Kira is coming to terms with his fillings can Kira save Athrun in time Kira/Athrun this is yaoi, lemons, Mpreg, anal and maybe toys to please R
1. Chapter 1

**Inner Turmoil**

I don't own gundam seed I wish I did how cool would that be.

I found sum things that I wanted to change so this chapter is different then it was before.

This start out as Kira/Lacus but will be a Kira/Athren there is a Kira/Lacus lemon and if people actually like this story and revue it there will be a Kira/Athrun lemon to come that means this story is yaoi AKA boy on boy or rather boy in boy.

Athrun:

My life has never been a good one my mother died before the war and my father wasn't the kindest man in the world, who am I kidding my father was a tyrant who beat the hell out of me both physically and mentally all the way up till the day I left zaft and went with Kira, the only time he didn't was when I was at school and that was because it was a boarding school and I lived in the dorms. But that was the past and now my life has taken a horrible tern for the worse; I was forced to fight a war that I didn't believe in and having to fight for the love of a father that has never seen me as a son. My name is Athrun Zala I'm sixteen years and three months old and for the past year I have been a G.U.N.D.A.M. pilot for zaft. But now that the war is over and it's supposed to be a time of peace, but for me it's anything but peaceful, I have lost everything and almost everyone I care about to this war, and though I'm glad the war is over I still feel so very empty, dead even, I'm not shore what's wrong with me. I haven't been able to sleep since the war ended, every time I close my eyes all I see is death, my dad dying in my arms or Nickel or even just faceless people that I know I unwillingly hade no choice but to kill. When I do sleep I wake up in a cold sweat and sometimes I even wake up screaming for it all to stop. I find myself not able to eat and when I do eat I can't keep it down so I'm not on very good terms with food at this point. I know I've lost weight and I get the filing people are starting to notes that something is wrong with me, Kira keeps asking if there is something wrong and all I can do is lie and tell him no that everything is fine even though we both know it's not. The only time I forget about the war is when I'm with Kira but when I'm with him I feel guilty he's supposed to be my best friend but I can't help but won't to be something more than just his friend and yes I know that that is selfish of me to wont but I just cant help it. I think that Kira is getting suspicious of what's going on with me and I'm not shore how long until I finely just brake. Kira is the most important person in my life and it took us fighting agents each other in the war for me to relies just how much he means to me, that I'm in love with him. I'm dreading the day that Kira finds out my rill filings for him, he's bound to think that I'm disgusting and hate me for feeling that way about him, then heel leve me and then I rilly will have lost everything good in my life, if I lose Kira I won't have a reason to go on living anymore. I know that loving him in that way is wrong for so many reasons, it's not that were both gays, being gay isn't a big deal for coordinators actually they have made a way for male coordinators to become pregnant specifically for gay couples. But he's my best friend, and not to menchin he has a girlfriend (my X –fiancée) that he loves and I can't blame him for that I mean who wouldn't love Lacus and I can't deny that they make a good couple, don't get me wrong I'm happy that there happy together after Kira found out the secret about his birth finding out he has a twin sister and that he was adopted and then that girl Flay dyed and I could see the pain in his eyes and Lacus was able to help take the pain away I think he found the comfort he needed in her.

Kira:

I woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs along with the soothing sounds of children playing outside and Lacus singing in the kitchen I look to my left to check the time and see that I slept in. It's now 7:00 I'm normally up by 5:30 my mind seems to still be on military time 7:00 is a big sleep in for me. My name is Kira Yomato I just turned seventeen two months ago. As I lay in bed starring up at the ceiling of my room I start to think about everything that happened last night with Lacus, last night was our six month anniversary of us dating.

FLASH BACK

We went to dinner at a for star restaurant and a ballet swan lake for throws that care to know, we came home and she followed me to my room when we got inside and closed and locked the door one thing led to another and before I knew it we were naked, kissing, rubbing, touching, and sweating, the next thing I know I was on my back she was on top of me kissing down my neck then my chest only stopping to lick and bite my nipples into hardness then she made her way further down my body when she reached my manhood she started to lick and suck it like she would a lollypop and all I could do was thread my fingers in her heir and grown, then she started to play with my sack and that was all I could take before I flipped us over and basically did the same as she had to me. Liking and kissing my way down her body I start to suck on her sensitive nipples and as I'm doing so almost all the pleasure I had been feeling during her blowjob was disappearing I had to start rubbing my manhood just to keep it erect. I'm grateful that she didn't notes this I knew I had to move this along as fast as I could or I wasn't going to be able to keep my erection up long enough to finish and so I started to slowly pushed too fingers into her hot and very wet womanhood pushing them in and out scissoring them trying to get her ready and as she starts to mown I decided I can't holed out any more so I lean up and give her a kiss as I thrust in as gently as I could she just groans and tightens her legs around my waste. All I can think is three thing 1) I hope I can keep my erection up long enough for her to come 2) I hope she doesn't notes that I'm not foully hard to begin with and 3) I wonder what it would be like to have Athrun around my cock instead, and the scary thing about that thought it as soon as I thought of him I felt my manhood come to a fool and painfully hard erection. Thrusting in and out at a hard but steady pace listening to her labored breathing and soon I feel her coming to her completion. With the thought of Athrun still fresh in my mind it doesn't take me more than a secant to finish as well and as she drifts off to sleep a content sigh on her lips and cuddling into my chest I just lay there thinking about how unsatisfied and empty I feel now.

END FLASH BACK

I came to the realization that I can't do this I need to tell her that it just isn't working. Yes it was the first time that we have had sex; I do admit that it wasn't what I that my first time with Lacus would be like. Lacus wasn't my first partner truth be told there was one other and no it wasn't Flay it was a girl that went to school with me and Athrun on the lunar base I don't even remember her name and besides it was more of an accident then anything. I mean I was confused about my feelings not to menchin my sexuality witch I had started to question especially when I started to have fillings (wet dreems) for my childhood friend Athrun Zala, I needed a distraction she was there and she was willing and it was only one night. I was smart enough to use protection but the sex wasn't good at all for me but she did seem to enjoy it. But I thought or maybe I hoped that my lake of pleasure in the experience had more to do with the fact that we were only fourteen still slightly under developed and to young to be having sex to begin with and not in her body that made it not as enjoyable as I thought it would be, but I have my doubts now more than ever because that night with a girl I had no fillings for wasn't that different then last night with Lacus someone I care for a lot. I have always suspected that I might not be strait I thought I might be bi but I thought that I would grow out of it but I'm starting to think that's not the case. After a while Lacus comes to see if I'm up and ready to have breakfast she has a sweet smile on her face and a beautiful afterglow to her and I hate that in a mint it will be gone but I've deseeded that I'm going to tell her the troth about my sexuality and about my filling for Athrun the longer I white the harder it will be for the both of us. The thing is I think that Athrun rilly needs me it's just I've been very wearied about him sins the war well that's not completely trough I've always wearied about him ever sins we first met I met him when I was 6 and he was 5. Whether it was the war his mother dying or all the times I found him trying to hide browses that his bastard of a father left on his small body. The same bastard that made his gentle kind son into a weapon. I know deep down that I've always loved Athrun I just didn't no how much until last night when I came to a mere thought of him. I asked Lacus to come sit down so we could talk she gave me a sweet smile she placed a genteel hand on my arm and leaned in for a kiss and when I trend my head away the smile faded and was replaced with a look of weary and so I told her everything trying to be as gentle as I could but she still wound up crying. I just leaned forward and let her cry on my shoulder after she calmed down she sat up and looked at me and gave me a sad smile she said that she understood and admitting that she had actually suspected something for a while. We talked for a little while longer then she gave me a hug and a kiss to the cheek then said that breakfast is ready and that I should come eat then she got up walked to the door turned and gave me a smile and said that she just wonted for both me and Athrun to be happy and walked out. I'm grateful to her for understanding, and so I get up and start to get dressed with a small smile of my own and then my mind starts to wonders bake to Athrun and what's been going on with him lately I know there's something wrong but every time I try to talk to him or ask if something is wrong he just says everything is fine but I've known him long enough to now differently, he's losing weight he's paler then he usually is and he looks sleep deprived. I decided I'm going over to Athrun's to talk to him after breakfast is over so I finish getting dressed and head down stars Lacus puts a plate of food in front of me I smile and give a thank you and begin to eat I let everyone know that I'll be going over to Athruns after breakfast and that I'm not shore when I'll be back Lacus gives me a knowing smile and I head out the door.

TBC

I hope you like this please R&R let me know if you like it or not I am also looking for someone that can help me with spelling and grammar so if you want to help me please let me no thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

Inner Turmoil

By: IceAngels Hikari

I don't own gundam seed I wish I did how cool would that be.

This start out as Kira/Lacus but will be a Kira/Athren and if people actually like this story and revue it there will be a Kira/Athrun lemon to come that means this story is yaoi AKA boy on boy or rather boy in boy.

(….) Athrun's thoughts

Athrun:

I can't sleep I'm not shore why I even try anymore. I've been laying here staring at the ceiling for who knows how long letting my thots wonder form Kira and the war then to the Plants and then back to Kira again. I look over at my digital clock and see its 5:00AM I let out a frustrated sigh. Relisting I'm not going to get any sleep anytime soon I decide to just get up and take a bath. I walk into the bathroom and over to the tub and tern on the water I strip off my T-shirt and boxers when I'm fully naked I tern and look into the mirror and I hate what I see.

I have sleep circles under my eyes from not getting very much sleep and then there are all thaws horrible scars that disfigure my body the sad thing is most of my scars I got from my own fathers hand well actually his belt played the bigger roll, the other scares are souvenirs from the war.

My skin is paler then ever before and I have always been rather pale. My skin is stretched tight over my bones particularly over my hips, ribs, spine, and caller bone. You can easily count my ribs and the ridges of my spine throw my skin. In all honesty I look and feel like a corps. I look away from the mirror feeling sick with myself. I walk over to the tub and turned the water off. As I slowly slid down into the slightly to hot water I can finely allow myself to relax.

I get out a wile later and head into my room to get dressed I look over to the clock and see it's now 6:30 so I go to my closet and choose a pare of dark blue jeans with fading down the middle of the legs and a black baggy sweatshirt with a blue flaming dragon on it (a birthday present from Kira) and a black sleeveless tank to go underneath the sweatshirt. When I finish getting dressed I go into the kitchen, I fill the kettle and set it on the stove to boil I get a mug down from the cabinet and white for the water to finish boiling.

I know I should try and eat something, I have been feeling rather week and sick more and more lately my guess is from lack of sleep and food. I have almost collapsed a couple of times because of this but the very thought of food makes me feel even more sick to my stomach. So I decide to just make a cup of tea and call it good.

I take my tea and sit at the small table in my kitchen feeling sick and slightly dizzy. looking around my apartment it's a very small, slightly dingy one bedroom with a twin bed a bedside table and lamp that's about all that can fit in the bedroom, a small but full bathroom which I love because it has a bathtub (I spend a lot of time in the bath when I cant sleep) and lastly the kitchen/living room. My apartment is about the size of one of the smaller bedrooms in Kira's house. But all in all it's perfect for just me. Kira has asked me on several occasions to come live with him and his mom.

He says that they would love for me to come live with them.

That I'm a part of the family but I would just feel like I am in the way.

Besides they have all thous kids living with them and with Kira and Lacus dating the last thing they need is me taking any more of there precious time and space.

After sitting there for a while I'm not riley shore how long, my head starts to pound a blinding pain shooting throw my skull the dizzy feeling is getting worse by the minute. I feel like I'm going to be sick all over the kitchen floor. I putting my head in my hands as I get to my feet and stumble down the hall, once I reach the bathroom I clumsily open the cabinet and with shaking hands I open the bottle of ibuprofen I found. I dump them into my hand I can hear some of the pills drop to the floor. I don't know how many pills I had in my hand and at this point I don't care I throw what I have into my mouth and swallow praying they kick in soon. Before I relies what is happening I'm on the floor and everything is going black.

Kira:

I pull up in front of Athrun's apartment and tern off my car I lean back to try and collect my thoughts I contemplate what I'm going to say and what his reaction will be. The best case being that by the end of the day that Athrun and I will be boyfriends the worst being that he hates me and I loose the most important person in the universe to me. I take a deep breath to try and relax.

I look up at the shabby looking building that Athrun insists on living in, he says that it is plenty for just him. I hate that he lives here all alone. It's not a good neighborhood the building's old and rundown and obviously no one has even tried to take care of it. I wish he would just come live with me. I know that both my mom and Lacus would love to have him living with us, he's been apart of my family sins we were 5 more then his own anyway and he has always been there for me when I needed him.

I just wish I could have been there fore him more when he had needed me.

He was even there with a shoulder to cry on and soothing word when my dad died and I hadn't wonted anyone ells to see me cry. My mom has always seen Athrun like a second son and I know that it broke her heart the way he was treated by the people that should have loved him but to the Zala's Athrun was a descries to there name and was never good enough no mater how hard he tried. Heck that's how he ended up fighting in the war in the first place trying to get that dam man's approval.

If Athrun's parents would have let them my parents would have adopted Athrun in an instant, they would have gladly and lovingly taken him from his living hell that he called home.

I clime out of my car and make my way to his apartment when I get there I give the door a hard nock. I wait a few minuets when he docent answer I nock again thinking that maybe he didn't hear me the first time.

After waiting another few minutes I can't help but start thinking to my self how strange it is that he hasn't answered the door yet it's not like him.

So I poll out the keys he gave me for an emergency and unlock the door I call out his name but there's still no answer.

I walk throw the kitchen/living room and all I can see is a broken cup of what I assume is tea spilled on the floor. I'm getting more and more worried by the seconds he's obviously not in here so I walk into the bedroom thinking that maybe he's still asleep and I'm just overreacting but come to realize like the other room its completely empty.

The last room is the bathroom witch is Athrun's favorite room because of the bathtub maybe he's taking a bath. So I go up to the bathroom and I'm about to nock when I see that the door isn't shut all the way.

I gently push the door open and I swear my heart stopped beating.

There on the bathroom floor was Athrun surrounded by a bottle of spilled ibuprofen.

I quickly get down on my knees and reach over to feel his neck for a pulse I breathe a sigh of relief when I find one but am terrified that it's racing and the heart rate is very uneven and sporadic and his skin is cold to the touch.

I don't know if he took any of the pills but I cant take the chance that he did so quickly and gently I tern him on his side and I shove to of my fingers down his throat as gently as I can to make him throw up any pills that he mite of taken.

I hear him start to gag but nothing is coming up it take's a few more strokes of my finger against the back of his throat before he starts to cough and gag as stomach assed tea and what looks like twelve partly dissolved pills spill onto the floor.

He continues to cough as I remove my fingers from his mouth.

I pull my cell out of my pocket and call 911 I quickly tell them what I know and give them his address before hanging up.

After I hang up I place his head in my lap and run my fingers throw his hair.

I don't know if he can hear me but I tell him that everything will be ok, I tell him that I love him and that ill do anything and everything in my power to help him get throw this.

Seven minuets later the paramedics are here they take him from my lap and place him on the stretcher when where in the ambulance they start to ask me questions about what happened I answer all the ones I can.

They hook him up to a heart monitor and an IV drip. About half way to the hospital to my absolute horror Athrun heart flat lines the paramedics start CPR. Now one man is shoving a rather large plastic tube down Athrun's throat to pump air into his unwilling lungs and the other is doing chest compressions.

The next thing I know they bring out the defibulator; they place the paddles on his chest and yell clear before they send a large shock throw Athruns body which convulses on the stretcher they had to shock him three more times before the monitor started beeping again with a week betting. when we finally got to the hospital they rushed Athrun into the ER and tolled me that I would have to go wait in the waiting room I walk over to a chare and just collapse down into it and that's when everything that has happened today comes crashing down on me like a tidal wave.

This morning I thought that the worst case scenario would be loosing Athrun as a friend but now I mite loose him in the very worst way possible. The very idea that that I mite never see him again brakes my heart beyond repair. I can't help but think that this is my entire fault. I new there was something wrong with him but I just didn't won't to see it.

When I would ask if he was all rite he would tell me he was fine and I would just leave it at that. I can't believe how blind I am it seems that I'm never there when he needs me the most and like so many times before I feel helpless.

**TBC**

**I hope you like this please R&R let me know if you like it or not I am also looking for someone that can help me with spelling and grammar so if you want to help me please let me no thank you. **


End file.
